Still Heartbroken

The number of days since the Connecticut shooting and the number of days till you will read this is irrelevant. They are irrelevant because no matter how much time has passed I hope that we never forget December 14, 2012.

Tragedies happen every day, all over the world. Yet for some reason, that I cannot put into words, there are some tragedies that seem ‘different.’ The Sandy Hook shooting is one of them.

Perhaps for me it is because Connecticut is my home state, perhaps because I am among other situations pulling at my heart. Perhaps it is the time of year. Or perhaps it is a combination of all violent happenings in this world that went raging through the hands of a 20-year-old man in one small school, in one small town.

Admittingly I do not watch the news, or read that paper often. Like many woman my age I regrettably get a small speck of what is happening in the world. Yet in this tragedy I have not been able to turn away, unable to dry my eyes.

I am in all honestly shocked by the impact this shooting has had on my heart. I do not yet have children of my own. It is inconceivable to me how a parent may feel at this time, especially those of young ones, I pray that no one ever know the grief of those who have lost a child on that Friday.

As I cry and grieve, there is part of me that wants to stay in this place, for perhaps a while longer and there is a will inside of me to never forget. Not just the memory but also the pain of what one insane and violent act can do to a nation and to the world.

Humbled in my own life by what I have seen, I feel compelled to look at moments where I lived with anger in my words and raging hurt in my heart; I cannot help but wonder how in some small way I may, we all may contribute to the insanity of this world.

Every unkind word, every time selfish choice, every thought that just went ‘too far;’ for all of those mentioned I am guilty.

I am not going to use Friday or any other act of loveless ness in the world to feel guilty over not being the ‘better’ person I know I can be. I am not suggesting that anyone fall into thought forms of guilt.

However what I will do is, I will not turn away from the pain this incident has caused. I will sit with my broken heart and ask myself ‘where, where can I give more love, to the world, to others and to myself.’ Where can I put just a little more effort into life? And when will I start to take every moment I have on this earth a little bit more seriously and a lot more gratefully.

It’s not that we all don’t try, but clearly this is not the best we can do. In our hearts we all sense a connection, a grief that we may not have otherwise before. We must pay very close attention to this pain and all our pain; we must ask it what it needs us to know about this tragedy and about our lives. And from that answer we must take action. And from that action, we will all begin to rise up, see a better and a new world. One where not only do events like Sandy Hook never happen, but where there is no room for a heart to ever break at this magnitude, ever again.